Trying Again

I have had several blogs before – fashion-y blogs, a foodie blog, and several blogs for my family. I’ve enjoyed them all SO MUCH that I’ve decided to make a big ol’ blog called “Rather Nutty Life.” I love nut butter and my life is rather "nutty" so it works for me!

I felt compelled to start this blog because of several reasons, ya’ll. First I must address my bipolar disorder. I was diagnosed correctly with bipolar aka manic depression at about age 22 … I’ve had symptoms since I was a wee one (I’m 26). It’s not mild bipolar, it’s an acute case that impacts my life daily, and I’ll definitely be touching on this often in the blog. I do have a great doctor, Dr. J, after wading through many doctors that haven’t worked out so well, and I have an excellent counselor named B. They are amazing. I am on daily medication – it keeps me out of the “nuthouse” as I loving call it (I have been hospitalized three times and placed in our local psychiatic ward twice). Some might be offended by my term of the “nuthouse” … but honestly, you have to interject some humor into this situation. I do. It keeps you going!

I have an identical twin sister who suffers from major depressive disorder … Dr. J says it’s most awful case he’s seen in all of his years (and he’s a middle aged doc). She’s tried tons of meds, TMS therapy, a VNS implant … all she hasn’t tried yet is shock therapy, and it’s a definite possibility in the future if she’d consent. I probably won’t talk about her much on the blog because I don’t think she’d like me to do that, and I’ll most certainly respect her wishes. But if I talk about my bipolar, I may touch on her issues too because we are identical twins … with some similar problems and some not-so-similar problems. It’s a very interesting situation.

I also have struggled with an eating disorder (both bulimia and anorexia but primarily bulimia) for the past 10 years and am just now in recovery – this is a HUGE reason why I felt compelled to start this blog. Why? It’s time to let go of this problem now that my manic depression is under control after years and years of being rampant in my life. I’ll touch on this later, but that’s the general idea. And here’s another kicker: ironically, I just learned that I need major surgery (a hysterectomy) before the year is up, and while my gyno said that my disorder won’t be a problem for the surgery itself, I want to be healthier for both the surgery and the recovery. So this is double incentive. I will definitely talk about my eating disorder openly – I have hidden that sucker for 10 years, and I’m tired on hiding it. Same goes for my bipolar disorder. They are a part of my life, my struggles, my journey. If I talk openly, perhaps I can help someone else is what I say now. I’m sure I’ll rant about this later. 

I am an active person – I love to bike in front of my TV! I admit that I’m more active in the summer than the winter (I do have seasonal affective disorder), but I try my best – I once told someone about my love for biking after mentioning my eating disorder, and she immediately assumed that my disorder was the complusive exercise form of bulimia. Not so, my friends. Biking helps with my moods! I bike to get out my mania from the bipolar plus it gives me some of that extra serotonin when I’m low – sometimes I bike for 40 minutes, sometimes 20, sometimes 10 … sometimes I take the day off because I’m too depressed. Typically I try to stick to about 30 minutes a day on a reasonable weight. I also LOVE walking my dogs … I have a 6 year old shih tzu named Louis, and a 9 week old Great Dane (eek! she’ll be huge … this was Luke’s idea) named Zoe. Right now we’re talking “baby walks” for Zoe, and she’s doing wonderfully because she follows Louis!

I had an encounter yesterday with some old friends who told me that I “looked much skinnier than they remembered.” I weight about 140 lbs now, ya’ll, and I’m about 5’10.”  This hurt me a little because I have gained about 13 lbs sine June and am a healthy weight for my height (and I possibly may be adding a few more lbs even; we’re not sure where my body wants to level out).  Here’s the deal with me – I was a large youngster. I do mean that – I was about 5’5″ and 160 lbs as a middle schooler. I was mocked for my weight a TON. In high school, I was about 5’9″ and 145-155-165 lbs. In college, my heaviest was 220 lbs. Yes, I was bulimic in high school and at 220 lbs - bulimics can be any weight. Then I become anorexic for a time (and bulimic on the side, you know) and went down to 127 lbs in 2008 … yes, I’m jumping ahead in years here quite a bit, but it just shows how drastic my weight fluctations have been in the past. I’ll post some pictures.

But those friends … while they meant to compliment me by telling me that I was “skinnier than they remembered” … it truly exhausted me to hear that! I wanted to tell them about the decade of hundred pound fluctations, the puking, the constant mania, the depression, the hatred of my body and mind for putting through the hell, the wanting to kill myself, the power that bulimia had over me truly when I thought I was in control over it … the cycle of misery each and every day.

Instead I just smiled and said “Oh … thanks.”

When will we learn to stop looking at people immediately based on weight? It’s such a big deal to a ton of women, ya’ll. Of course some people will think I’m making a mountain out of a mole-hill, and that’s a-okay. We’re all different. But what about those ladies who are triggered by things like this? I can honestly admit that I came home after that interaction and had some chocolate. Five pieces. I cannot lie. But I texted my sweetie, Luke, and told him about it. I said “OMG LUKE I JUST HAD FIVE PIECES OF CHOCOLATE CUZ I’M UPSET!”

Wanna know what he texted me back? “LOL! So?”

It made me forgive myself. I didn’t purge. I took a nap instead.

M is signing off for now.

P.S. I’m not going to be responding to comments currently – please feel free to leave one if you’d like because I will read them, but I feel that it may be too much to respond to everyone just yet. I don't need comments trying to "diagnose me" or "counsel me" because I already have those needs met in my life nor will I attempt to explain myself because I am who I am. I’d like to see where this all leads with me personally before I invest in responses just yet – I’m focusing on me right now. I’m not trying to offend anyone, I swear, and I’d love comments, but I’m trying to just get this off the ground first. Nasty comments or irrelevant ones will be deleted. Thank you for reading if you do!