NEDA Week

First of all, it's National Eating Disorder Awareness week - I'd encourage anyone who's interested (or not!) to check out OperationBeautiful.com from some great stories and encouragement! I thought about submitting my story ... but I've honestly tried writing all of my thoughts, and they're not terribly "concise." Perhaps next year I can consolidate? Plus I don't feel I'm completely ready to say "I'm a 100% survivor" - I'm still working through issues. B says it's winning battles, small victories, that will win me the war. I won't just overnight be a 100% free woman, and it's true.

Most of the battles are my mindset right now. I still have an eating disordered mindset in many ways, and that gives that ol' eating disorder power to rear it's ugly head still. No, I'm not binging heavily several times a day, I'm not purging most days - a victory - but the war is not won yet because the eating disorder does still have power. I'm still trying to figure out a bunch of my eating disorder's "loopholes," if you will.

We have a revelation yesterday in counseling yesterday. I wrote about it afterwards in my notebook that I keep, and the past issue became pretty clear, one that I really took to heart yesterday. It involves self-discipline as a child with food. I was never taught it. Like, seriously. Like a grazing horse, I was allowed to eat freely - my parents didn't teach me about portion control or such at all - that's why I was overweight (badly) as a youngster. And by eating freely, I learned that food was a "cure-all," a soother. Only later did the eating disorder develop in high school - the eating disorder is, as we call it in counseling, a "get out of jail free" card so I could wildly eat yet not gain weight. This is very very simplified as I re-read it; I have a lot more issues that I deal with but all in all, it's a good simplification.  

 And I have to really work on learing self-control and discipline with food now. This rings a HUGE bell with me, ya'll.

Food cannot hurt me. For a long time, my mind has tricked me into believing that it has been my enemy, a controller that's said "I'll sooth you ... but only if you purge me afterwards! >:) " And I've had to gain control back by saying to my eating disorder, my mind: "I'm not falling for you tricks!" 

Breakfast time! I realize that I need to acquire some new bowls - my red ones are a little lame. I'm always impressed by the bowls used food blogs; they're unique and colorful and usually rotated at lightening speed! I'm jealous. My red bowls from Target = lame. Used each day. Getting chips (oh they are!).

Today I forgot to mix in the chia seeds so I just sprinkled them on top. A pleasant surprise! They are delightfully crunchy. I forgot how much I love them on top like little birthday cake sprinkles. This is the last of my granola, and I forsee a trip to the healthfood store for more. Indeed, my grocery list grew and grew last night as I kept adding products that we're low on.

~ M