My Story in Pictures ....
I was incredibly overweight as a child until about high school - think 5'5" and 160 lbs at one point in middle school. I was allowed to eat as I pleased - no moderation. I quickly learned that food was a comfort for my moods (I was a very bipolar child but we didn't know what it was called at the time and therefore I was untreated). I remember downing two boxes of Lucky Charms in one setting ... just because it felt good.
Me in eight grade (with my rabbit Ellie). I was about 5'7" and 170lbs here, believe it or not. I had just been diagnosed with major depression (the diagnosis of bipolar would come much much later).
Christmas in high school.
This was taken shortly after I became bulimic at age 15. I firmly believe you can see the crazy unhappiness in my eyes, the untreated mania, the sadness. This is my 16th birthday; I am about 5'9" and 150 lbs.
This is the summer of my junior year in high school, and I remember being badly bulimic now - I am in the historic Menger Bar in San Antonio. I was down to 140 lbs and was riddled with mania that summer ... I was still untreated for bipolar
When I left for college, I was again about 160 lbs but still bulimic. I had seen counselors and doctors but honestly I didn't want help with my eating disorder at this time, and I wasn't being treated with the correct mental disorders.
In college, I gained the "Freshman 75" not the Freshman 15. I weighed 220 lbs by my Sophomore year. I'll put up a better picture, but I need to black out a friend's face. I was still extremely bulimic, of course, but looking at me, you wouldn't know it. I remember vomiting down the shower in the dorm. It was terrible.
Another picture at 220 lbs.
I steadily began to lose excess weight but not in a good way; I tried things like hypnosis, some crazy diet pills and was constantly under the stress of medication changes and had some major family issues. This was taken when I was a camp counselor. Here I am about 165 lbs.
Another picture as a camp counselor. Those were hard summers (2004-2005). I had a major break down in 2005 and left school suddenly in the fall for home. I was very unwell mentally for about 5 months until about January 2006.
In 2006 to 2007, I was a steady weight of about 155 to 145. I still suffered from bulimia but I began to learn more and more about bipolar disorder ... things were very chaotic with my family situation here, and my parents separated quite suddenly after some very violent scenes (my father is an alcoholic and has bipolar too ... my mom just couldn't handle it anymore).
From Spring 2008 to about Spring 2009, my weight from 145-150 lbs slipped down to 125 lbs due to a major depression after being hospitalized for the first time - I lived with my mom for a month and only came out of my room to eat a small sandwich for dinner. I'll have to dig out some pictures of this time.
By August of 2009, I was binging badly again, and my weight began to balloon ... by December I weighed 150-155 lbs. I was hospitalized again in January 2010 for my bipolar.
And back at around 125 lbs during the summer of 2010 (the two below pictures).
In August of 2010, I had enough. I decided it was time to change my life - I began to gain weight slowly, changed my eating, started counseling again after taking a break from it for a year.
This is me now sans makeup - I am around 140 lbs. Don't I look so much happier than that girl in the pictures above?
Why?
1. My eating disorder is being addressed. I'm winning battles that I'd never thought I'd win!
2. I'm eating healthy foods ... this helps me mentally, emotionally, and physically!
3. I never gave up on trying new meds, even when I was in the pysch ward and all seemed lost. If you need meds but haven't found the right one, keep trying. It took me 15 years, but I finally found one.
4. I found a great doctor and a great counselor. Again, it took a long time. But they're part of my support system and are vital to my being here on earth.
5. Exercise - it keeps me feeling good each day, gives me a routine, and gives my brain that vital boost it needs!
6. Attitude. Positivity really does win the race.
7. Routine! Try to set up a routine for yourself, as much as possible, each day.
8. A true desire for change in my heart.
Now I'm not saying that I won't have issues in the future - I may well end up in the hospital again, in the psych ward again, and I surely will have bad days. But these things help me so much that I cannot believe. That's why I've made this blog. I want to be honest about my life, my issues, and what helps, and to talk to others about what helps them, to hear other stories. I know they're out there.
~ M
