Toasty Morning

Ahh internets. Last night the mood was a swingin'. I went from my usual happy self to a sobbing mess around 9:00 ... sometimes I think we eating disorder recovering people have symptoms like recovering alcoholics or drug addicts - we are hit hard by that need, and when we don't allow ourselves to have a "hit" or a purge, or we're denying ourselves binges, we get extra grouchy! It might have also been the manic depression talking because of the Ambien switch. I honestly just needed to go to bed so I did. Fixed me right up! :)

I've decided to write a "page" on my manic depression because it deserves a little page for itself. It affects my life profoundly each day, and I'd like to share about it just as much as I share about my eating disorder recovery.

Speaking of which, let's move on to breakfast! It was a good one today. I thought I was hungrier than I was and I made yogurt with muesli, a tiny bagel with half a banana, and a piece of toast with the other half. Turns out I only ate the toast and one piece of bagel. The yogurt went in the fridge for a later snack.

You see, that's one of the hardest things I'm going through - learning my limits! What can I eat to maintain my weight, what can I eat to the point of feeling full? I honestly am still experimenting and learning here.

But what have I accomplished lately? I've learned that it's okay for me to:

1. Take home food and eat it later as a meal. That was huge because I was prone to binge on it, like, the second I brought it home.

2. Make meals, not constant little snacks that end up being huge in calories.

3. Tell myself "I'll eat in 1 hour and do something else in between... I don't need that extra snack" aka play little mind games with myself ... after all, the eating disorder IS a mind game. If it can play tricks with my mind, *I* can play tricks with my mind too!

4. Exercise. At one point, I was afraid that I'd work out too much and start another form of bulimia in the exercise form, so I was exercising too little (like just 10 minutes on my bike). But ya know, if you're moderate and honest with yourself, you'll be better for it! I now exercise for 30 minutes at a time or a little longer and don't feel guilty ... but I never go over an hour a day.

5. Learned that, for me, less if more in the food department because of "phantom food cravings" that are my eating disorder trying to trick me. No, I don't mean I'm not eating much because of them - I mean I'm trying *not* to overeat because of them, like have three extra donuts thinking I'm starving. I have to recognize if I'm truly hungry or if I'm being tricked. This is still extremely difficult, but I'm working on it!

L and I have some fun plans for the day because he's off! Yay!

~ M