Getting Out and Stinky Critters

Sometimes I just have to take myself out of the house, as I've mentioned. It can be on a drive, to "window shop," to visit my mom at her work, or other things like that. I confess that I often want to do things with L when he comes home after a day of work, but he usually wants to just chill or take a nap. I respect that, but sometimes I admit that it frustrates me too, and I have to just suck up my pride, put on some cute clothes, jump in the car, and get myself out at night. And seriously, an hour or two out by myself always improves my mood - I come home feeling better!

I cannot rely on L or anyone else to improve my mood, you see. I have learned that I am responsible for it, although sometimes L or other people do help me. Unfortunately others in my family have issues with this very premise, ya'll. I see it all of the time, and it's terrible on both the person who blames others on their mood (and yes, other people can affect a person's mood ... but what I'm trying to say here is that you can take yourself out of the house or you can do things that try to help yourself ... it's not someone else's responsibility to do those things for you if you're a grown up!).

Now here's an argument that some could make: what if a person is too ill to help themselves? Yep, I'll agree. People are absolutely out there who cannot help themselves. It's an individual situation thing. But in my situation, with my illness, I can help myself. I chose to help myself although I know I could get trapped into the thinking that I am unable to help myself very easily, blame others. It's a big mental game.

Ok, the point is that I started to feel cooped up because L went to sleep when we were supposed to go look at doors today (for the third day in a row -  he works hard and gets tired, it's life). I decided I had to get out of the house and so I took myself to Target. It helped a ton just to get myself out. I even bought myself a new hairband.

I came home, had an unnecessary snack of a piece of toast and the rest of my avocado and also a mug of dessert tea.

I have never had dessert tea before. This one is chocolate mint. I added milk and truvia ... and the taste is divine! Perfect for a nightly snack! Highly recommended!

And of course, here's a shot of my adorable new hairband. It was $9.99. A steal for cuteness.

And the second I got home, the pups began to play fight ...

And play fight ...

And play fight!

They love having an audience! Both of them totally stink, by the way. I'm not sure how we're going to bathe Zoe eventually - she can fit into the bathtub now, but when she's fully grown, I fear we'll have to just use the hose!

~ M



Gym Time Plus Excess Snacking Cravings

For lunch, I decided on a salad instead of that smoothie:

It was a "spaghetti salad" and to be honest, I ended up not eating the spaghetti but just the chicken and the spinach and a smidge of pasta sauce. I guess I don't care for heavy pastas in the a.m.! I still wasn't too hungry from yesterday either.

I went to the gym today and did leg weights for about 30 minutes. :)  The I came home and biked and did arm weights for about 30/40 more. I'm still really energetic today too.

This leads to me to a point. Since I've been combating bulimia, I've also been having to watch my snacking. Yes, I do exercise and I need snacks. But I also need to not over-snack. Yesterday I definitely "over-snacked" with 4 scones and more. Today I'm really trying to be careful and document all that I eat, ya'll. See, I still battle "phantom hunger" that's me wanting soothing/bored/whatever that's my eating disorder talking to me most of the time versus REAL hunger. I have to decipher the real versus the not real, and sometimes it's soo darn hard, I tell ya! I try to limit my snacks to before and after working out or when my stomach pains are REEEAAAALLLLY BIG and obviously BAD.

For instance. As I type this post, I have made my dinner sandwich. But I haven't eaten it. Why? Because I had a phantom hunger pain. I wasn't sure, and the act of making that sandwich but coming here to type this post and ignoring it for a minute has led me to the conclusion that no, I am not ready to eat it yet. My eating disorder was, in fact, trying to trick me. But I won this time, ya'll. I made the sandwich, said "ok, now I'll go away for a minute and see if I'm REALLY hungry or not by distracting myself" ... and it turns out that I can go for a while without it because I have just had the below snacks not too long ago.

After my 30 minutes at the gym, I was starving from not eating all of my lunch so I had a Stonyfield raspberry yogurt with a topping of Red Mill muesli (yum!).

And one of those teeny bagels with some fresh roasted chicken on it.

(L came home, and he and Zoe passed out on the couch.)

Then I think my eating disorder began to trick me, internetz, and I had a tiny plum ...

And about half of a small jazz apple.

By this time, I realized what was going on, and I decided to distract myself. I took a shower, tried to read, then I decided to test my stomach pains by making that sandwich I wanted. I made a deal with myself: if I can make this sandwich, then I will leave it on the counter until 6:30. That's another hour and a half. I will not gobble it down like my eating disorder is saying. I will enjoy it when my tummy is really hungry.

So I made my sandwich; avocado, sliced boar's head chicken breast, 1.5 slices of provolone cheese, and 2 slices of Mrs. Baird's whole wheat (we're out of the awesome bread so this will have to do), and a handful of spinach.

I took my picture, and it is now sitting on the counter, waiting for 6:30 p.m.

~ M



Lazy Girl's Chicken Spaghetti

Zoe's vet visit when without a hitch! She now has her rabies and several other vaccinations; we go back in a few weeks for a follow-up! She also got her nails trimmed ... she apparently didn't care for that very much!

Tonight L and I were jonesing for some Italian food but we didn't want to spend a fortune going out. I decided to make spaghetti but with a twist - I bought a cooked chicken, deboned it, and placed some of the meat on top for a fast but really delicious meal ... because I am still working on meal planning! Can you say "Total Lazy Girl's Chicken Spaghetti"? I did tonight! I plan on trying L's mom's actual Chicken Spaghetti recipe that she kindly sent us soon but it involves some planning and being involved for several hours so I must prepare!

But before I get to dinner, I have to document my "pre-workout snack" - the rest of my pad thai from last night:

And dinner - the white strips are the chicken!

Zoe looking tired after the vet appointment ...

She fell asleep on the couch with L ...

And then Louis decided to jump on L's head! L was not impressed.

My dessert. I admit that I had about 2 more of thost scones than pictured.

~ M

A Moody Mix Day

For lunch I had a small salad. I wasn't too hungry and developed a headache and a rather mope-tastic mood around 12 ... more on that later.

This salad had a little bit of everything that's in the fridge right now - a little bit of noodle, hummus, an egg on top with hot sauce (I put a little too much on today ...), carrot shavings, mixed greens, broccoli, and some organic turkey breast. Topped with some low fat ranch and balsamic vinegar and pepper. It was delicious. I also had a chocolate and a teeny taste of soy milk (because that hot sauce heat was not leaving my mouth).

Turns out the pharmacy gave me generic topamax instead of regular .... and I figured "Well it's generic ... how bad can it be, right? It has to be similar!"

I was so wrong, readers. I felt okay until about noon ... and then the angry and sobbing mood set in. And I never feel that way around noon! I moped, I limped around the house ... and after about an hour of that nonsense, the terrible headache and the blinding exhaustion came. I'm still in that phase about four hours later.

I'll be talking to the pharmacy about getting my regulars back, stat.

I wanted a snack around 5:00. A chocolate-y snack - see, I took a nap and didn't have my usual 3:00 banana or orange. I had a piece of Great Harvest toast with almond butter and a Lindt chocolate spread on it. Plus some chai tea.

It just occured to me that this looks a little nasty in the picture. It's not gross, readers. It tastes like a slice of Heaven. :)

My lady-doctor called, and we're going to discuss when to schedule the hysterectomy - I can schedule it either sooner (probably in April or early May) or later (probably August or September) - her schedule is weird in June and July. I may go with sooner and just get it over with! I'll think about this for a few days, but honestly, after this bioposy, my "lady bits" haven't felt well at all! It may be a sign to just get this going!

For dinner I just wanted more toast - ever since my last cervical biopsy I have been nursing a tummyache, and tonight it's plaguing me! So I made French toast, 2 pieces with a little almond butter and pure maple syrup. I've had much more almond butter and toast than usual today - I usually just have that bit in my oats and sometimes a little for a snack - but ya'll know what, I have to practice telling myself that's okay. I'm not going to feel guilty about it today. And the toast was so tasty tonight and easy on my stomach.

A goofy picture I took of Zoe trying to get up on the counter ...I snapped this picture totally by accident while I was telling her to get down! See the pup leaving the counter? :P

Here's hoping that the rest of tonight will be uneventful and easy-going!

~ M

Salad Puppers

The rest of my day has been pretty moody - I called the pharmacy to get some meds which they told me were already ready to go. I went to pick them up and sure enough, they said they couldn't find the pills. I know mistakes are made, but ya'll, I have a plethora of pills and go to that pharmacy probably 5-6 times a month ... they mess up a ton on my meds and have for years. 

Today I couldn't handle it. This is a bipolar trigger of mine - pharmacy antics. I just smiled, said I'd be back in an hour ... and burst into tears when I drove off. When I came home, I went to my room and had a "moment." That's just one facet of my bipolar - I have "moments" where I have to just go nuts/cry for about five or ten minutes, hard. Then I'm totally fine again. I always recognize that I'm having a "moment," but I just can't help it - I just have to get it out. That's what bipolar is essentially - you can't control your moods. If I'm rude to someone, I'll apologize after the moment immediately and feel so awful.

I'm better now, of course. I took a few pictures of the puppers this evening to relax and thought I'd share:

For dinner, we have slim pickens 'round these parts so I whipped up a batch of corn bread mix and a salad.

I had two muffins ...

And half of this salad because it was pretty filling. I made a balsamic-y dressing which I love - it's half low-fat ranch, half balsamic and a dash of olive oil. The salad: mixed greens, plain pasta, broccoli, a spoonful of hummus, a ton of cracked pepper. Luke had half of this because I couldn't finish ... and Zoe got a piece that fell.

And for dessert? Two little chocolates and a little glass of soymilk. :)

~ M